Stop It, Stop It, Stop It.

Jump to Comments

I knew I was in for it for a while. I wasn’t feeling wonderful, and this came out in my behaviour – loud and funny and attention-seeking and a bit drunken and annoying, and overdone and lurid but it was either that or do nothing, say nothing, be nothing, so of course I went for the former, and I was happy and things were good but then they suddenly weren’t and so I went to bed.

I switched off the light, and pressed play, and listened to about half the song, before it all became too much, the walls were too close and the world too small and I was terrified but I don’t know what was scaring me so much.

So I rang P and he knew what I was talking about, how I was feeling, when I was being completely and utterly incoherent, gibbering and breathing far too fast and just pacing and pacing and close to tears and having a full scale panic, in a flat spin. Not a panic attack like I’ve had before but different, somehow, and no less horrible. But gradually he got some sense out of me, and talked me into naming all the things I was worried about at that point in time, all of them, and talked me through them all, made me get a glass of water and just sit down and stop pacing, and I calmed down, and got intellectually engaged rather than just emotionally engaged with my worries, and just about calmed down, drank some water, kept talking to him, and he made it better, and helped me work my way out of it.

And so he and I went to bed in our separate houses, him with only seven hours until he had to wake up for work, and so I went to bed. And I lay there, tossing and turning, for seven and a half hours, and I got no sleep, none. I dozed for about half an hour at one point and that was it. I don’t yet feel tired but it’ll probably hit in the next couple of hours. Today I feel all shaky and sad and nervous which is bad, but hardly unexpected. And both my parents and P independently have said I really ought to go back to counselling and try that again. Oh, effort. They’re right, though, I think.

Half of it is that I am disproportionately worried about my birthday meal tonight. Me, my parents, my sister, her boyfriend W, and P, and me. And we’re going to the restaurant my family always goes to for birthdays, and as usual my sister and I are doing the whole dress-n-heels thing, and looking pretty. And for some reason this just terrifies me. Possibly because I am the centre of attention, and I get increasingly funny about that these days, possibly because I’m nervous about the setting and the people and will we all get on, which is daft, there are almost no unknowns in this outing, it’s bound to work. Oddly I worry what W and P will think of the restaurant, which is also silly, it’s just a perfectly nice, safe restaurant which serves good, well-thought-out, nice food, and has a not-at-all-bad wine list. So yes, I’m terrified, and terribly low and sad and deflated and I hope it’s just because I’m tired and I’ll be alright in a bit. And of course my entire family is worried about me now.

1 Comment

Filed under Bad Day, Relationships, Society

Tags: Anxiety, Attention, Bad Day, birthday, Boyfriend, celebrate, centre of attention, cloudlife, Depression, Family, fear, Girlfriend, Panic, Parents, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Siblings, Sister, Someone