In The Spirit Of Honesty

I am not great at the moment. Not happy. Not sad either, not depressed, nothing is wrong with me as such, but I am just so…stressed. Anxious. I keep busy, I keep moving, it’s fine. But I keep waking up bizarrely early and that’s been going on fora couple of weeks. And I’m not really eating enough and that’s been going on for a while and this time it has nothing to do with willpower or any kind of desire to be skinny, it’s more that I have no appetite and I don’t feel like I have the time to go shopping and when I do get into the shops I don’t know what to buy or what I need or what to cook with the things I’ve bought, so basically I’m living on fruit and tins of beans and soup and then when I’m at my aunt’s house at the weekends I eat properly while I’m there because all the thinking is removed, I don’t have to decide what I feel like eating, it’s all just there.

I think the word for how I feel at the moment is highly strung. So I keep busy and I’m permanently in a bad mood and chasing happiness or occupation or good moods or whatever, just so long as I don’t have to stop and think. Which is why I’m in the choir and the orchestra and on the church student committee and going to  a session tonight in the University Arms and in who knows how many other things to and then at whatever A manages to drag me to inbetweenwhiles.

Next the summer will happen and yet again I kind of hope that’ll be the break I need, somehow. And that next year will be different, more organised, more regimented, better, both busier and less busy, and that I’ll be closer to my housemates and have more definite and trustworthy friendships and it will all be OK and I’ll somehow turn into the woman I so very nearly am.

This is the terrible thing: I am in the habit of scrutinising myself. I look at myself and I know what is right, what is functional, and what is not right or not healthy, because I’ve seen all these things for years. And actually it is perfectly normal to be a twenty-year-old student and to be stressed and busy and not willing to stop and think for too long. So I see all these problems in myself and they worry me hugely but actually they are nothing and I really should go and do some revision now.

I suppose I’m just not used to having responsibilities to get stressed about.

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