Nope, Still Not Dealt With, Oh, Wait…

More nightmares, every few weeks, and only more common now I have S. Not sure why that should be except that maybe as I’m learning to trust him I’m stripping myself bare of a lot of things, and my injuries are open to the air once more and it’s like ripping off so many plasters [...]

Stop It, Stop It, Stop It.

I knew I was in for it for a while. I wasn’t feeling wonderful, and this came out in my behaviour – loud and funny and attention-seeking and a bit drunken and annoying, and overdone and lurid but it was either that or do nothing, say nothing, be nothing, so of course I went for [...]

So, I’m Back.

Not sure how long this return will last. My, this feels weird. Hello, everyone. Not that anyone is still checking up on this place, but, well, yes.
Here is some stuff. I was fine for a while, and yes, I had the odd bad day, and the odd panic attack and long low days and lots [...]

Someone

In my other blog, ‘Someone’ has become a handy shorthand for the boyfriend I don’t have. The one who exists purely in my mind, laughs at me good-naturedly and tries to hide the fact that he adores me, likes the things that I like, challenges me, spends rainy sunday mornings companionably drinking coffee and reading [...]

Interesting Events

Quite apart from last night being the most bizarre evening I’ve spent in a long while, starting in a fantastic Eighties disco and going on to a fantastically seedy-shiny casino and then finally some random guys house, with the theft of a bowl of wasabi peas and many miniature adventures along the way, quite apart [...]

Consequences

I struggle now to be sympathetic and understand and meek around people around whom I used to be like this. I used to want to be there for everyone, shoulder blame if I possibly could, make things easier for everyone around me, but these days I can’t take on to myself anything to carry that [...]

A Bad Day

Just so you know, I thought I’d describe yesterday, as being a typical, pretty bad day. Some supposedly bad days aren’t this bad, and some are worse. It won’t be a very good description, I struggle to find words for the emotional state I’m in that people can grasp if they haven’t been there themselves.
It [...]

I’ve Been Hinting At This One For A While Now.

Did you notice?
It’s something I struggle to talk about. I don’t think it’s made me the way I am, because I was depressed before it happened, but it’s a contributing factor. It has a way of sneaking up on me, catching me unawares, and ruining a perfectly good day just by springing into my mind, [...]

Sojourn

I just went for the weekend to visit assorted friends in a neighbouring city, including the man who has made me so ridiculously miserable of late – I had to help him out with a production he was doing. It ended late, and I had to stay at his house afterwards, so he went and [...]

This Has Been Going On For A Long Time Now.

This is an excerpt from my diary from January this year, just to show myself – and everyone else – how long this has been a problem in one form or another. I was unhappy then, and of course the way your brain responds to stress and unhappiness is to shut down, shut things out, [...]